It’s a sad thing, really. Here I was all alone in V’s house with the T.V. remote resting on my crotch while they were out doing something. GAAAAAAAAH so bored. Maybe a walk? I guess. Wouldn’t be a bad idea. Besides, I have put on some weight. I fucking hate my friends. Oh well let’s go!!
Things were about as painfully normal as you would expect in this small town. Birds chirping, sun shining, grass growing, squirrels… squirreling. But I need something to do. A destination would be nice. Hmm list of places close to here:
Arcade: No money.
Movie: No money.
Laser-tag: Banned. (And no money.)
Fuck it, I’m sneaking into laser-tag!
The walk was only like 20 minutes, kinda used to this shit by now. Alas, thou knoweth my pain of walking. But it beats the alternative of watching another episode of SpongeBob on V’s T.V. May I take your hat sir?
I showed up to the laser-tag place with perfect timing to sneak through the back entrance. A few stealthy jumps behind walls, assassinations of accredited ninjas and a quick grab of gear and I got onto the field. The place was pretty empty for a Saturday. Regardless, I kicked some ass. Some whiny little 13 year old complained “Oh you ruined my birthday” blah blah blah “you’re lucky my dad couldn’t come or he’d—” blah blah blah “but he’s really sick.” As much as his life thrilled me, I had to get out.
"Isn’t that the guy who peed on the owner!?"
I started running, but to leave a lasted impression on the play-doh minds of those staggering youths I shouted, “don’t mix liquor and pot, kids! You lose more things than just your self-respect!”
See, I’m fucking hysterical!
I got out no problem and headed back to V’s. They didn’t tell me where they were going but all I knew was they’d be back around 4:30. It was almost 5 so I figured they would’ve be back soon. If not my man, the talking sponge, could’ve kept me company.
You’d be amazed at the things you see if you actually looked. The only things that catch your eye are the things you want to see: hilarious accidents, attractive women, the hidden crevices of attractive women. They’re all easy to find. Simple pleasures, however, are not. Take the couple across the street, both with some sort of limp. They’re both aware of the imperfections each other have. It may be shared, but it’s still an imperfection. Plus watching them bone would probably be hilarious.
There were, like, a lot of sick people. With the power out from the storm and the cold the shit must be spreading like wildfire. V, and I were lucky enough to not get hit by the power outages, but Kurt lost his for a day or two.The only reason I realized this was because I made it back to V’s just in time to hear Kurt say “I can’t believe that person was practically vomiting everywhere. That was no cough in that!”
"Relax man it’s not a big deal. Besides, we got your vegan shit. Now quit complaining."
"Yeah but still. And where’s Jeff? Wasn’t he here when we—"
Kurt just looked at me like he wanted to shoot me, but he just shook his head.
"Catch!" V through a book at me.
"A book? Since when do I read?"
"It’s the Zombie Survival Guide. We got it for a dollar. Go nuts.." The sarcasm would’ve stung a little if it weren’t V talking.
"Thanks bud. Good to know a high-roller like you looks out for us little people."
"Shut up and read."
"Fine, Mr. Grouchy-Pants."
Chapter One: “The Undead: Myths and Realities”